Wednesday, August 24, 2016

ALTAR EGO

His head was splitting. It seemed like every nerve was revolting, ready to explode any minute. His heart had lost its mirth long ago, but today it seems to have given up its spirit. His purpose in doubt; his existence questioned. He felt pain no more. He had had enough of it. Numbness had engulfed his veins. He felt like a slaughter sacrifice waiting his turn at the altar. Only a little too desperately. He looked at his friend who was sitting right in front of him. What has life done to us, he thought?

We were so happy, vivacious, lived life by the minute and enjoyed every second of it. We felt invincible. We fought in the mud, got drenched in the rain, sang out of tune, danced like nobody was watching, screamed at the top of our lungs. We sat for hours staring at nothing, talked for hours about nothing. We went on a long drive to nowhere, ate and drank everything we could get our hands on, fished in the pond for hours only to get a shoe for a prized catch, fished for a few more hours in search of its pair without luck, roamed the streets in the night with carefree abandon, spent the very last ounce of energy in our bodies and came back to crash into our beds as if never to wake up again. And then we woke up the next day fresh and ready for another adventure.

And so life rolled on amidst chaos, excitement, fervor and charm. Day after day went by chasing nothing and enjoying everything. I wish I had never woken up after one of those days. But I did. And here I am. A changed man. A deflated man. A lost man. A man no more.

His thoughts brought him back to reality. He looked at his friend again who smiled casually. There was the same innocence and zeal that he had seen years ago. How could that be possible? When did we part ways? How does he not have any of life’s scars? Why has God been so kind to him? Or maybe was he too cruel to me? Is he even there? His blood started boiling even more. His friend still had his smile as he looked at him with even eyes. That made him even more livid.

“What is it that makes you so happy? Seeing me like this. Helpless, hapless and hopeless. Seems like life has been very kind to you my friend. If you had been me, then probably you wouldn’t even be here. Do you know how much I have endured? Do you know how it feels when your wing is ripped apart? Feather by feather. Do you know what it does to your self-esteem? Have you felt scrutiny? Have you experienced love? Do you know how it feels to yearn for affection and not receive any? Have you experienced failure? Do you know how it is to fail in the eyes of your friends? Your family? Your foes? And the coup de grace! Do you how excruciating it is to finally fail in your own eyes? The final fall!  

Have you ever thought how would after life be? Would it be more peaceful? It certainly sounds more mysterious. Do heaven and hell exist? Wonder where I would go. Will I be transported through space to get there? It would be cool to see some planets on the way. And be it hell or heaven that I reach, I probably will be better off than I am now. I wouldn’t have to work consistently to satisfy others. I won’t be judged. I would already have been judged. I can be myself. I won’t be a disappointment to the people I know as they won’t be there. Well at least I hope so.

Yes, I have considered death. I have no shame in admitting it. You may think I am a coward. Well heck, maybe I am. Isn’t it easier to just press the shutdown button? We can restart in a new life if there is something like that or be lost into obscurity. Isn’t that an interesting prospect? To myself and to the people who are tired of me? May be. But I can’t muster courage for that either. Will someone miss me? Am I disappointing them again? For one last time. Do I owe them to live? Do I owe myself a death? I can’t seem to decide. Like every other decision, I put this one off too.

Why don’t you say something? Are you deaf? That would be so cool actually. But I know you can hear me. The smirk on your lips tells me you are enjoying this. You think you are safe inside that mirror. You think it is cool to see me make a fool of myself in front of you. In front you, of all people? While you stand there majestically reminding me again and again of my glorified past!  

He looked at the man in front of him who was so calm and composed, so carefree and happy, so blissful and na├»ve, so simple and kind, so full of life and love. This was a man he once knew. This was a man he once loved. This was a man he once was. He wondered how long it had been since he left him inside the mirror. He couldn’t remember. That was the man he still wanted to be. Everyday! Or even just for one day! A wry smile came to his lips. He laughed it up. Life indeed does strange things to you.







17 comments:

  1. Nicely penned Raj...It could be taken as an optimistic and pessimistic sides of ones personality right?

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    1. Thanks a lot Jaish. Yeah... you are right. It is a conversation between 2 personas of the same person.

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  2. Woah! I loved the way you wrote this. It comes alive with a lot of introspection - not just because it provides a food for thought but also because one would identify with some piece of it or another all the time. And yes, life does strange things to you, but it's how you face those strange things that ultimately make you who you are :-)

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    1. Thanks for the lovely praise Stuti. And you said it beautifully: it's how you face things that will eventually make who you are. I definitely couldnt have said it better.

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  3. Indeed RAJ.. LIFE is like that .. that's why they say it easy to defeat an opponent in battle and be a winner .. but to be a TRUE winner one needs to get up if he falls ..

    Bikram's

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    1. Beautifully said sirji... It takes true strength to get up from a fall.

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  4. That is just about the most powerful soliloquy I have read on a blog.

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    1. Uma... that is an extremely humbling compliment. You just made my day. :)

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  5. You said everything that I ever wanted to say but in a much much better way. Great work!

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    1. A warm welcome to you here Pranju. That is high praise Pranju. Thank you so much. :)

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  6. Beautifully written.
    call it black or white, positive or negative, outside or inside of a man.
    so expressive

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    1. A very warm welcome to you here Pragun. Thank you so much for the lovely compliment. I am glad you liked it.

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  7. The two faces we have. The devil and God both dwell in us. Beautifully penned.

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    1. A warm welcome to you here Mousumi. You said it very well yourself. Indeed we have evil and good inside.

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  8. The two faces we have. The devil and God both dwell in us. Beautifully penned.

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